A little look at the book I’ve been quietly carrying around for years.

After going through my blog posts, it hit me. 

I’ve mentioned writing a book, a few times actually, mostly in passing.

A little comment here and there. Maybe a brief mention when I’m writing about whatever else has me interested at the moment. 

But, I don’t think we’ve actually had a conversation about it. 

Which I find a little ironic, considering I’ve been working on it longer than this blog has been alive! 

It’s one of those projects that I’m protective of. 

One that hangs out constantly in the back of my mind.

I think about the characters when I’m supposed to be cleaning the house. 

Suddenly a better way to write the scene will pop into my head, when I’m half asleep.

Occasionally, I’ll stare at a half-written sentence long enough that I’m convinced an English class was never in my life. 

 And despite this… I’ve never really given you guys, my Clawlings family, a peek into this side of me. 

I can assure you, there is a book. 

It has all the words, characters, and even a plot! 

I think it’s time to let you guys in, after all, writing is how we connect with each other. 

So, what exactly am I writing? 

Well… that’s a little complicated.

The story it is right now is a contemporary YA romance with a little modern fiction mixed in. It starts in the present day, a few years after an incident that changed my main character’s life. 

She’s trying to figure out what comes next, more specifically learning how to let people in again. 

Her family.

Her found family.

And eventually, someone who might become a little more than a friend. 

There are two inner circles that eventually overlap and become one. Of course there’s a girl. There’s even a guy. Clearly there will be romance because it seemed like a good flavor, though this story doesn’t revolve around it. 

There will be a lot of learning how to trust people when the larger part of you is convinced that eventually they’re going to betray you. 

Which is probably where I should put a disclaimer… I’m still trying to figure some of this out myself. 

At this point in the book my FL is pretty familiar.

Well at least that’s what I think. 

Honestly, her name may change before I’m finished with her, because nobody told me naming fictional characters is harder than I expected. 

Maybe it’s because there are parts of her I recognize. 

She’s guarded.

She’s fiercely loyal. 

She’s scared to trust people fully because somewhere along the way, she learned trust isn’t the same as protection. 

And while her story isn’t my story, I won’t pretend there aren’t pieces of her that feel familiar. 

Which might be the reason this book feels so vulnerable to me. 

“Something about taking something that solely exists inside your own head and laying it bare for others to see, is terrifyingly beautiful.”

Truthfully, I’ve always felt that writing makes you vulnerable. 

Something about taking something that solely exists inside your own head and laying it bare for others to see, is terrifyingly beautiful. 

This book is different. 

Maybe because I’ve spent years with these characters. 

Maybe because I can connect with the FL in a way I wasn’t expecting. 

Or maybe writing words, scenes, and experiences that other people besides myself can connect to, is letting myself learn to trust people while asking to be trusted with their story is a vulnerability that I’m learning to accept. 

That being said… there is a slight issue of you know, actually finishing the thing. 

Right now, I’m pretty confident I have at least the first Arc completed. 

Nine chapters are written, and the tenth is in progress. 

Though I like to believe that saying, “I’m working on Arc One” is a lot more impressive than admitting that chapter ten has been begging me to finish it. 

But as it’s said, progress is progress. 

At least that’s the mantra I’m gaslighting myself into believing. 

I don’t have a timeframe on what this book will become. 

I know what it currently is. 

I know who my characters are… Mostly.

I know where they’re mostly going. 

Other parts? Well that song, “Jesus Take The Wheel” is where I’m currently at. And for everyone involved, I hope they can make good decisions. 

Myself included. 

It’s kinda funny, for as long as I can remember, there have only been two things I’ve ever truly wanted to do. 

Be a professional athlete and become a writer. 

Not someone who writes occasionally, but someone who can eventually hold a book with my name across the front.

For years, this has always been my dream. 

So actually getting serious about working towards it, is slightly terrifying. 

Because wanting is easy.

Putting in real effort is hard. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll actually finish it. 

Not because I don’t care. 

But because fear is a high hurdle when you care about something so deeply. 

I like to joke that this book has become a little phantom-ish in my life. 

Always there. 

Sometimes being actively worked on.

Sometimes my day job gets in the way and it gets stuffed into a corner for a while. 

Then usually when I’m doing something completely unrelated, a scene appears. 

A phrase. 

A character decision.

A tiny detail that suddenly opens the flood gates. 

Then suddenly, I’m thinking, I’ve found you! And somehow, it brings me back.

I think that’s probably what keeps this phantom-ish.

It disappears, but it’s never really far. 

I can’t give you a definite finish date. 

I can’t even tell you what it’s going to look like when I get there. 

Or if my main character will keep her name. 

But I’m not stopping. 

I’ll keep writing. 

Chapter ten will keep glaring at me, my characters will keep visiting like a stray cat. 

And somewhere in all of my uncertainty, there is the little girl who always wanted to be a writer, finally actually trying. 

So, I think it’s time you guys met the book I’ve been quietly carrying around for years. 

The phantom-ish one. 

More soon, 

Quill.