“A belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” 

This is the literal definition of expectation according to google. It’s pretty simple and clean. But real life is anything but simple, so why are expectations?

They are sneaky little buggers, living quietly in the background, shaping the way we think, plan and judge our lives. 

I would even venture to say expectations are like a compass. They can either help build up your dreams to aim higher. Or they can be a silent camber like trap, slowly filling with the smoke of disappointment we didn’t sign up for. We build stories about how life should look, when reality writes a completely different ending

Expectations aren’t an enemy. In fact I think they are part of what helps us keep moving forward. But when they harden “shoulds” it can weigh down our joy from what is. 

So truly, how are we supposed to work with expectation – not against them?  Let’s see where this journey begins! 

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen — unless we hold them lightly.”
— Anne Lamott

The Invisible Power of Expectations

We all are guilty of carrying quiet blueprints for how life should go — the job we’ll land, the relationships we’ll have, even how a single day is supposed to unfold.

Expectations shape the goals we set and the choices we make. They push us to prepare for opportunities, work hard toward milestones, and dream about what’s next. In that way, they can be incredible motivators.

“When reality doesn’t match the script in our heads, even small disappointments can feel bigger than they really are.”

Expectations also come at a hidden cost. When we picture specific outcomes like starting a family by a certain age, landing a high-ranking job within a set time — we create invisible standards.

If the reality we created doesn’t line up, small disappointments feel bigger than you think. And suddenly, that good moment you had, suddenly seems “lacking or meager.”

We judge ourselves — or others — for not meeting the script we wrote in our heads.

That’s just not fair to ourselves or others. I’d say it’s not about junking expectation; it’s about noticing their pull. If we hold them too tightly, they’ll breed frustration.

Holding them lightly, they help guide us without our joy slipping away. The key is learning to spot the difference and adjust before getting trapped between hope and reality.

I remember being at my first “grown-up” job, convinced I’d be running things by a certain time. I did all the things— checked all the should boxes. When time came and went, I felt as if I’d somehow failed some invisible test.

Taking the time to pause and look back, I realized nothing was wrong with where I was. The issue was it didn’t match the script I’d been secretly following.

The Help vs The Hurt

Expectation aren’t all bad.

In fact, some of them are a quiet sounding board moving life forward. The hope of a new project succeeding is a motivator to work harder. The belief that friendships should be supportive helps us choose who we let close.

These are the kind of expectations that help act as our guideposts. Pointing us in a direction, but they aren’t there to punish us if we happen to get twisted around.

It seems like trouble really starts to show out when our expectations get rigid. What I’m saying is simple. People have a tendency to turn hopes into rules “I MUST, do this by 30,” “This relationship should always be easy,” “My plan should unfold how I imagined.”

Basically, we set ourselves up for frustration. I don’t know if it’s the way we as humans are programmed but life rarely goes how we want.

We don’t get to decided what the perfect timeline is. I would absolutely forget other people following the script you spent years writing, most are illiterate this way.

Having healthy expectations means to stay flexible. Staying focused on what we can control. Our efforts, choices, attitudes all affect our expectation levels and leaves room for change.

Harmful expectations cling tightly to outcomes and the behaviors of others. Learning to tell the difference is powerful — one brings growth; the other births resentment and self-doubt.

“The secret isn’t to stop expecting. It’s to stop demanding.”

a reminder to hold hopes lightly

Working With Expectations (Not Against Them)

So, here’s the thing about expectations, good or bad. They’re probably the most stubborn little buggers you will ever face. We know some of them can weigh us down, yet we still carry them.

We still plan, hope, and dream. It’s one of the things that makes us human. Okay, the goal isn’t to just give them the boot completely, just a little sprucing up if you will.

Leave room for hiccups and unplanned moments that breath life into us, ya know?

One thing that seems to help a lot of people, including myself is paying attention to the scripts. When I catch myself thinking, ” X should already look like this,” I have to physically take a step back and pause.

Who decided that rule? Sometimes I realized the culprit is me— as much as that stings to admit. Though it’s a past version of myself that hasn’t met theme of today.

Sometimes shifting focus on what I can actually control or shape helps. Meaning, the effort I put into things, the way I show up, even my attitude all comes into play. Other times, the choices of other people, timelines, and the twist of life isn’t really mine to control.

The emotional shock of letting go control feels like a pair of shoes one size too small — uncomfortable at best but it makes room for the joy to sneak back in!

Most of all, I’ve learned to hold hope with an open hand. Allow myself to dream, plan, but know that life will always make final edits.

Sometimes it removes whole scenes, sometimes is creates a better ending than the one I wanted.

“Maybe the goal isn’t to toss expectations out the window. Maybe it’s to travel lighter.”

When the Script Wasn’t Yours

In my experience with expectations, the hardest ones to loosen aren’t even ours. They’re the ones that get shoved onto us — from our family, friends. Even culture and in the quiet comparison we often do during late night doom scrolling.

Along the way, we subconsciously pick up the silent contracts. Married by now. Be ridiculously successful. Always look happy. Just this past weekend, I saw a family member I don’t normally see. Not even five minutes into this meeting and I’m being asked, so are you dating anyone?

And that part really doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s the fact this particular person said, “You’re not getting any younger!

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t get their hopes up or expect anything from people. And maybe that’s a sad way to be, but I just don’t have any desire for approval from people anymore.

And made me feel like dirt because I wasn’t dating anyone.”

It was as if my worth was determined due to my relationship status.

It’s a cruel gift and one I continuously keep receiving.

The part that I find most tricky? Simple, we carry these expectations for so long they slowly start sounding like our own voice. Sometimes, when I stop and really open my ears, I realize I’m chasing a life someone else forced me in.

“Not every rule you live by was written by you.”

My parent’s hope. A friend’s offhand comment. A social media highlight from a former classmate that made me think I was behind.

Catching that moment — realizing I never wanted this script. It wasn’t mine to start. — was a breath of fresh air. It’s not an overnight fix but it’s a slow shift. I get to decide what still fits and what can quietly be cut out.

The Detour Isn’t Always Wrong

I always get a quiet ache when a plan unravels, and maybe I’m not the only one. It tends to happen when I don’t land a job or with a failed relationship.

Disappointment can feel heavy, like a wet blanket. It’s almost as if that disappointment we felt is proof that we failed somewhere along the line.

Luckily, life couldn’t care less about our spreadsheets. And I for one am thankful beyond belief. Some of the best parts in my life come from things that didn’t follow the “correct” path.

The job I was crushed to lose led me to a newer better one. Plans falling apart made room for new friendships and experiences I didn’t know I craved.

The detours I used to resist turned into the roads that shaped me most.

It doesn’t make the sting disappear. Disappointment still hurts, and it’s okay to grieve what you thought would be. But it does change what disappointment can mean.

“A detour isn’t failure; it’s just a new road you didn’t know existed.”

It’s not a failure stamp, it’s a simple plot twist— who doesn’t love them! Think of it as a new road that you added to the map of your life.

When I think back, most of my “wrong turns” gave me things I never could have planned. I’ve gained, unexpected joy, new resilience. and deeper compassion to start.

Detours often show off the softness, surprise, and beauty me didn’t know was missing. Maybe the next time life erases that line I know you drew, don’t think of it as rejection.

It’s a redirection. Sometimes the unmarked path is brighter, and more amazing than the one you fought to stay one.

Keep the Compass, Loosen the Map

Expectations will always be here. They’re part of how we dream and move forward. The beauty? We get to decide how tightly we hold them. Some are ours to keep, while others were able to gently set down.

The plans we so carefully drew start unraveling, remember it’s not failure. Its an invitation from life to take the road we didn’t see.

“Keep the compass, but loosen your grip on the map.”

Maybe that’s the true art of living. Keep the compass but loosen the grip on our maps. Rewrite the scripts that were never ours. Hold hope with an open hand.

And simply trust that even the unexpected turns can lead somewhere more thrilling than you could ever imagined.

I’d love to hear your thoughts — have expectations ever unexpectedly twisted you around? If this resonated, feel free to share or pass it on.

And if you’d like more reflections like this, you can find me on Instagram